Probie's Pages
by Jennifer Hart
Summary: Five Pages from McGee's Journal. Written for Lady Aracne for the NFA Secret Santa exchange.
1. February 15, 2005

**Title: **Probie's Pages  
**Genre: **Angst/Episode Related (Contains very slight McGee/Abby pairing as well, but it's not very shippy)  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Disclaimers: **Own it? Yeah, right. And I don't know how McGee feels about people reading his private journal, so if you get put in one of his books as revenge, don't come complaing to me!  
**A/N: **No pipes were used in the writing of this story.  
**Summary: **Five pages from McGee's journal. Written for Lady Aracne for the NFA Secret Santa Challenge

**Heavy spoiler warning for _Witness, Probie, Twisted Sister, Driven_, and _Grace Period_. Also minor spoiler for _Cover Story_, as well as the ending of the Lawanna Blackwell novel _Leading Lady_.**

-

February 15, 2005

I just got back from Erin's memorial service. Well, the service was actually over several hours ago—it's about 3:00 A.M. right now and—I just got back into town. I flew out to Boca Raton for the funeral.

It sounds ridiculous, I guess, that I'd go that far for the funeral of someone I barely knew, but I felt like I had to. I sat in the back and left pretty much as soon as the service was over. I don't know if her parents noticed me—I kept praying they didn't. I saw them, though. I can't get that look on Erin's Mom's face out of my head. Erin was their only child...and it's basically my fault she's dead.

I keep remembering when we were talking on the phone and the way she hesitated when she first heard the noise. I was afraid something was wrong then—why didn't I just run over? I could have got that bastard, I could have saved her.

Actually—why didn't I just not call the team in? Nobody would have blamed me—the cops didn't think there was anything, Tony didn't think there was anything, even Gibbs didn't think there was anything. Maybe his gut was telling him something too—that it would be better if we just stayed off the case. Okay, I know that's dumb—I mean, there was a real murder despite what everyone thought. But right now all I can think is that if this was a test, I failed it bigtime.

I can't write anymore.


	2. November 29, 2005

November 29, 2005

This was the reason I hesitated as a kid when I thought about going into law enforcement. I was pretty good growing up—at least, that's what my parents and teachers said—but I still made mistakes and that scared me. Because in this job, making a mistake could cost someone's life.

I finally just pushed the fear away. After all, cops and federal agents were humans too, just like me. They weren't special, genetically altered people designed just for this purpose. They all started as kids who wanted to do this and who chose it. If they could do this, maybe I could too.

I guess not.

You know, I don't care if Gibbs said he'd have done the same thing or if NCIS says I went by the book. I screwed up and I killed an innocent man, a fellow cop. My criminology professor taught us there were two types of wrongs—_Mala Prohibita_ and _Mala In Se_. The first one is just things that are wrong because they're prohibited—like drinking if you're under 21 in some states or parking in a loading zone. The other is acts that are wrong in themselves morally, even if they're legally okay. That's what I did—I did something that was wrong in itself.

I know Ducky and Abby say they can't tell whose shot was the fatal one—mine or Archer's, but I looked at the autopsy report. Ducky said the shot that killed Lt. Benedict "took what was left of the rib" out. That means that the shoulder shot had to come and do its damage first. And we all know Archer fired first. That means I'm the one that killed Lt. Benedict.

I think there was a part of me that was relieved when Metro was going to charge em, because it meant that I'd be punished. And I kind of wanted to be punished, because it didn't feel right getting away with it. Now I need to figure out how I'm supposed to go on and live with myself. They don't teach you that at FLETC. I guess they hoped we wouldn't need to know.


	3. November 21, 2006

**A/N: The part between the x's and in italics indicates something McGee crossed out. It is intentional and should actually be in the strike-through font, but I couldn't find that option.**

-

November 21, 2006

Sarah slept over tonight. She told me I was being overprotective, but I insisted. I even made her one of those revolting pizzas she likes and she's now fast asleep in my bed while I try and make myself comfortable on this cot. Instead I keep getting up every ten minutes to check on her.

Sarah and I haven't always been close. It was kind of hard, since I'm twelve years older than her and we haven't been able to spend a lot of time together. Plus, as Mom says, about the only thing we have in common is that we both like to write. Since she came to Waverly it's been easier, but we still probably spend more time on the phone with our parents than we do in person with each other.

It's bothered me for a while, because we were raised with traditional values about family. I always tried to tell myself that there wasn't anything wrong with it—that that sort of thing happens, but look what did happen. I couldn't even say for sure when Sarah asked me that I didn't believe she did it. I can't stop thinking about that.

There's actually a lot I can't stop thinking about. Like talking to Gibbs in the elevator.I've always _xknown that Gibbs had our back andx_ thought I believed Gibbs had our back, despite the tough Marine persona. But I guess I must have had some doubts, because he really caught me by surprise today. Just the way he said how I should have come to him before and what he didn't say with it. It wasn't about protocol or even "doing the right thing." I don't know what you'd call it exactly—it's not really like he's a parent and he's not a friend in the way Tony and Ziva are as peers. I just know that I've worked for him for two years and I feel like I've got more to learn from him now than when I started.

Speaking of learning, I learned some stuff about the Director today that was kind of hard to take. Okay, make that really hard. When the Boss retired, our team became a lot closer to her. It was like she took on this extra older sister role or something. But today in our office...she backed me up more last year when I killed the cop. That hurts a lot.

There's a sarcastic part of me that's thinking if she thinks what I did this time was bad, I wonder what she'd say if she saw the e-mails I wrote up tonight. As in the ones to those two PIECES OF CRAP that set my sister up to be raped. Trust me, Sarah had nothing on me tonight. I wrote two nice pieces of prose on my exact opinion of their judgment. I haven't actually sent them, but oh, do I want to. Of course...I guess I could just put them in the book.


	4. December 12, 2006

December 12, 2006

It's been almost 36 hours since I nearly killed one of my best friends.

I know technically it would have been Pike who was really responsible. But I would have been to blame too, because I wasn't paying attention. And if Gibbs hadn't come in when he did...

You know, there's still a part of me that starts shaking when I think about it. I can't imagine an NCIS without Abby, and the thought that I'd be the reason for no more Abby makes me feel sick inside.

Abby's just special. We all feel like that—me, Ducky, Gibbs, Tony, Ziva. Things took a while between them but I know she feels the same way as the rest of us. I even think the Director has a soft spot for Abby, although I don't know if she'd admit it. It's like this quote Sarah read to my Mom when we were home for Thanksgiving (Sarah's on a Lawana Blackwell kick lately—they're all books set in Victorian times.) Apparently in one of them one character says to the heroine, "You're like the little sister we all want to protect." I don't know that we think of Abby as a little sister—I mean, maybe Ziva and Tony, but I know for Ducky she's more of a daughter and for me...Well, according to Sarah's book my feelings are probably more like that speaker's ended up being. But we all want to protect her. And I should have protected her more than I did yesterday.

Speaking of not being able to protect someone, Jamie's really been struggling. We were talking while he was helping us put OTTO back together and he said he'd thought about offering to go with Roni the morning of the test drive, but didn't say anything. The look on his face when we were arresting Pike—there was some relief but I think it was also worse in some ways too. He said to me afterwards, "At least Roni didn't know." I honestly didn't know what to say. I did tell him after that although I couldn't speak for how Roni would have felt about Abby and I, from everything Jamie had told us we'd have really liked her. He seemed really touched by that.

It's true, too. I could see her and Abby becoming close if she'd lived, and all four of us becoming good friends. Who knows, maybe if Abby and I got back together we'd have gone on double dates. We do plan on staying in touch with Jamie and are going with him to Roni's funeral on Thursday.

You know, writing all this got me thinking. Abby's usually up late. Maybe I should give her a call.


	5. April 3, 2007

April 3, 2006

If this is hard to read it's because my hand is shaking. Actually, my whole body is shaking and I can't stop. And nobody should be reading this because it shouldn't have been written. I'm supposed to be

I'm back. I had to go throw up. And then Mom called and I had to figure out some lie for why I sounded out of breath and why my voice was raspy. She said she was calling because she thought I sounded "off" when she and Dad talked to me the other night. And Sarah. They all called me the night of the bombing—said they heard about it on the news and they needed to hear my voice.

I bet I sounded off—it's because they weren't supposed to be hearing my voice. Amy Nelson was supposed to be hearing Jim's voice instead. And Paula...

I've never seen Tony look so white. Even when Kate died he didn't look like that. Paula was actually T.A.D.'d to us around the time Kate was killed and then she got the team at the Pentagon.

Ziva's the one who told me how she died. I can't believe it. I'm sorry. That sounds so dumb and cliché it's not even funny, but I'm just reeling. What exactly am I supposed to say? And what do I say to Amy when I go to Jim's funeral on Thursday? I can't ever tell her about what happened and that it was supposed to be my funeral. Just like I'm never going to be able to tell my friends or Sarah. I'm never going to be able to tell anyone.

The phone just rang again. Sarah. She says she's coming over and I can either let her in or she'll just get some of the football guys to break down my door. My neighbors would just love that. It's okay though. I actually just about called her a few times. And Abby. I really don't want to be alone tonight. Of course, neither did Amy...

Stop. Okay, I've got to stop and go do something else. Maybe do some work on _Rock Hollow_. I've got two new characters to write in. Their names are James and Polly.

-

**A/N: The incomplete sentence in the first paragraph is deliberate because this is a journal entry.**


End file.
